Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.