Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*