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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders