Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.