My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.