A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
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I can’t stop laughing at this
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie