I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔