My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.