My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
North and South
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.