The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
(Jupiter –
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I have a type: disappointing
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?