My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.