Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
You Might Also Like
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.