Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.