As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
You Might Also Like
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Netflix and scream at our children?!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Happy Febuary everyone!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.