Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
fr
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”