Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
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cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Nothing to do, you say?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?