Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.