My boss called in sick of me
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Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Why soy sad?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.