Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Why is no one talking about this?!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.