I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Science memes
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?