Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’m calling the cops.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit