MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*