[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
The best plant holders?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late