Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.