“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
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*checks Timeline*…
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.