Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
This is so me 😂😂
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.