Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!