Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Cats are still liquid.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes