when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
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Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he鈥檇 bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I鈥檒l be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don鈥檛 like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I鈥檓 waking her with a kazoo.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 馃槶
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Should I ever go missing, please don鈥檛 let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My husband just said that he鈥檚 eating dinner and then he鈥檚 coming to bed for dessert and honestly I鈥檓 just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m鈥檚 I stashed in my nightstand.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I鈥檓 done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.