Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity