Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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classic mixup
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My blood type is b hungry.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Ghost costume 😂
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there