Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets