Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Always…
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*