Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
this has done me in for some reason
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.