EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.