Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Ugh but profoundly
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging