[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
how to have fun when you’re poor
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.