No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Very good! 👍😂
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me: