[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
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Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down