[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]