how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.