“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.