Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
just gave your address to some spiders
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Tremendous stuff
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”