[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
We’ve all been there…
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*