Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?