Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.