Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
men are simple creatures
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.