They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
what the
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.