Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song