[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Every work meeting this week
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
what’s more important?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*